No Warranty

We first met the Lich King in Howling Fjord. He appeared in a vision above Wyrmskull Village. After giving Ymiron his orders, he ignored our challenge and ran away like a scared tweenie. Our next encounter was in the Dead Halls of Gjaelebron. We slaughtered Angeboda, and he appeared to hand out more orders. Again, whn challenged he turned and skipped away. Next, we travelled to Borean Tundra, where he gave a pep talk to some minions. Once again, when confronted he turned and fled.

Later, after we had been fooled by Drakuru in Drak’Tharon, he appeared to do his now-familiar exposition and disappearance. When we saw him in Zul’drak, we were able to sing along with the chorus. In Icecrown we saw him again. Arrive, brief a minion, pep talk, assure us we’re all doomed, bugger off. Frankly, this was repetitive.

In the Halls of Reflection, we met him again. This time, the tables were turned, and it was us who were forced to ‘Advance briskly in a reverse direction’. Obviously, we couldn’t stand for that. It was time to make a house call.

We fought skeletons and liches in the lower spire. We had a free and frank exchange of views (and cannonballs) with the Horde Gunship. In the Upper Spire we were defeated by trash more often than bosses. Professor Putricide’s halfwit offspring were no challenge to us. The Professor himself caused us much pain and disgust. After his defeat, many of us swore never to return to his slime-strewn apartment. Favourite of the Lich King and he can’t afford a cleaner?

In the Crimson Halls, we controlled and managed some truly annoying minions before engaging the three trusted lieutenants. Or, “Three for the Price of One”, as we referred to them ten minutes later. The Vampire Queen required a little more co-ordinaation and planning as she distributed her odious love bites. But our skill as a team was growing, and down she went.

Valithria had been on the opiates again, and needed rescuing from herself. We staged an intervention with a small amount of interference from the local denizens. We healed her up and she flew off in a cloud of semi-hallucinatory drugs. Oh well. Sure we had done all we can, half of us stripped naked and ran down towards the next zone. Apart from some frostbite on Sensitive Areas, this strategy actually worked. We were at Sindragosa’s Eyrie. That was, by any objective measure, a complete goat-rope. Playful and almost friendly while airborne, on the ground she was, more than a handful. But, we persevered, and after many, many long fights, we killed her. Re-killed her. One of the reasons I hate the undead is because of the grammar issues.

After Sindragosa, we only had one job left. Upstairs to the boss. As someone pointed out yesterday, you’d think the unchallenged ruler of an entire continent would choose a place that’s a bit easier to heat in the winter.

We learnt the fight slowly, but steadily. Each attempt increased our knowledge and skill. In the first phase, we worked out hpw to get the Lich King to kill the shamblers.In the transition, we discovered how to get blasted over the edge by orbs. Wheeee! As we improved, we had time to twiddle our thumbs between Raging Spirits. Then, into Phase Two. Here, we learned how to spread Defile. And how to stun Val’kyrs. While standing in Defile, making it grow faster than you can run. Whoops. And we learned that Val’kyrs really, really like grabbing healers.

After a considerable amount of attempts, we discovered that it’s a good idea for everyone to be near the tanks at the next transition. Raging Spirits hit hard. Soon, we were on top of the transition. Whenever we made it past Phase Two, a certain wipe in Phase Three was assured. After a few more tries, we went back to the first strategy that had been suggested (Thanks Vanilla!). Evanflow kited the boss away from the Vile Spirits, and I soaked up the blasts. I may not know much, but I’m good at getting bashed.

On our last pull, we stunned every Val’kyr, stayed out of the Defile, blasted the Raging Spirits and entered Phase Three with ten raiders up. From there, it was a long, careful grind down to 10%.

At that point, he killed us all. I mean. Really. If he could do that all along, why was he messing about with minions, eternal filth from the depths of hell and sparkly ghosts? Next, he mocked and chortled at Tirion Fordring for a bit. This must have made Tirion very angry indeed, because he made a hulk-like escape from his ice prison. Gee, thanks Tirion. Us getting hammered, battered, slimed, blasted over the edge and dropped into the abyss didn’t get you worked up? Oh no. But, a few comments about your mum, and out you pop. It’s OK – we know where we stand.

Next up, you resurrect us. For which we thank you. Really. And then you capture the Lich King in a Cyclone, disabling him completely. A less grateful person may enquire why you didn’t do this, say, ten minutes ago? I shan’t, though. I assume you had your reasons, Could you lend me 500g for repairs, perhaps?

With the Lich King imprisoned, we were only too happy to play our role in the age-old “You hold him down, I’ll hit him” game, and down he went. After many long raids, hundreds of wipes and dozens of flasks, Azeroth is free of the Scourge.